Desi - America's Cutest Dogs - MSG Soundcheck

It's official! According to the Westminster Dog Show, Desi dog is one of America's Cutest Dogs:) That's right. Desi dog is rockin' it out from the great beyond:) HOW COOL IS THAT?!!

I entered Desi into the Westminster Dogs Photo Challenge more as a tribute to him than anything else.  I entered Miss Mona too.  Even though neither one of them made it into the contest they DID get posted online as two of "America's Cutest Dogs".  And that is good enough for me:)

Last night I stayed up late looking for this one particular shot of Desi that I took while we were hiking in Culver City.  It took me a few days to find the pic because it was on a backup drive from my old PC and the backup drive is failing.  I was BEYOND RELIEVED THAT I FOUND IT!

My old Palm Treo cell phone didn't take the kind of High Res shots that cell phones take nowadays but I have always loved this picture...

Desi the Earth Alien

When I first met Desi as a puppy in the pet store in the Jefferson Valley Mall, 14 years ago, the guy told me that he had been in the store for almost three months and nobody was buying him because he looked like an Alien.  I was like "Dude! You can't go around saying this puppy looks like an alien or nobody will buy him for sure!!!"

And over the years I have had other people make cracks about the way Desi looks.  Everything from "Whatever possessed you to get him?" to "That is the ugliest dog I've ever seen in my life".  Clearly both of these comments were from people who cannot see real beauty.  Desi was physically a beautiful Boston Terrier!

I was thinking about all those comments in the past that bothered me and the painful, heartbreaking, gut wrenching emotions in the present of having to say goodbye to Desi.  It made me think of the scene at the end of the movie E.T. when the little boy has to say goodbye to E.T. and E.T. says "I'll be right here" and touches his long, glowing finger to the boy's heart.

That scene was heart-wrenching back then.  I couldn't stop crying.  I was so choked up by the goodbye.  But thinking about it in the present was comforting because it totally applies to my relationship with Desi and sums up my feelings about the process of having to say goodbye to him.

And E.T. is probably THE cutest alien EVER!!!  Right up there with those Gremlins.  So who cares if people think Desi looks like an alien and so what if he does?!!!  He is still beautiful!!!

And in the pic, it kind of looks like Desi is an Earth Alien on Mars or some other planet channeling Earth with his always erect ears.  Or maybe he's on some futuristic, nuclear wasteland, post-apocalyptic version of Earth.  Either way, in this world, nothing exists except him and me.

I took some other interesting shots on our way up into the hike which I found as well when I was looking for the last one.  Desi absolutely loved to hike!!! He marked EVERY SINGLE THING he sniffed.  I was more at his whimsy then my own but I honestly didn't mind.  I really loved watching him have so much fun and played the "easygoing pack leader" and/or "second fiddle" to his alpha-dog personality.  Not what Cesar Milan would advocate but hey -  I'm no Cesar Milan and I am certainly no Dog Whisperer:) I am what I would call a "one dog man".

 

Desi looks a little thicker in the "Alien" shot below versus the one above where he looks long and lean.  His ears are also not quite as erect in this shot.  I love both shots but plan on having the first shot made into a painting at some point.

There are so many more things I want, need and will say about Desi.  I have been coping with the grief, overwhelming loss and sadness through intense physical exercise, thinking, blogging, finding old pics and videos and processing it all.  Right now I'm exhausted from it all so for the time being I have to shut off.

Desi was like a pair of underwear or socks that you put on every day and are just a part of you. Honestly, he was more like my skin that IS actually a part of me.  He always found the exact nook and cranny on my body to fit into.  I always felt like he was just another appendage on my body.  I'll post some pic examples of what I'm referring to in another blog.

I have allowed myself to feel the overwhelming pain, sadness, sorrow and loss and then I try to bring myself back to remember the most fun times I've had with him. And there were so many!!!

Entering Desi into the Westminster Dogs Photo Challenge was just another way for me to honor him, his life and legacy more than anything else. I still fill his water bowl every day to honor his memory. And I always leave a light on for him when I leave the house for the same reason.

Those small gestures actually remind me of how much he took care of me in my life and how grateful I am for the awesome 14 years we did get to spend together.  Somehow these animal companions are more special then humans. They are innocent, accept and love you unconditionally, just as you are, and they are always, always, ALWAYS there for you.

The legacy Desi left for me is to "die trying".  And that's what I've been doing every day since he died. 

I will miss and love Desi until the end of time, for eternity and beyond.  And he will be a part of me always and forever...

1 month today...and I miss him terribly.

I feel pretty sad and slightly agitated today.  It's weird because yesterday I had a great day and felt really upbeat. I actually thought and talked a lot about Desi yesterday but it was all in a very happy sense.  I shared the story of Desi's last day with a friend in a way that didn't drain me emotionally.

I guess because I told the story in a third person sense without attaching to the facts as I often do when I tell the story.  But today is different.

Today it is exactly one month since the day Desi died.  It feels like a marker in one sense that I made it 30 days and haven't fallen apart.  But it's still almost as shocking a reality to accept as the day it happened.  In a way, it may be even more shocking because that day I was wavering from reality to the feeling of being in a scene in a movie or a play.   Today I feel stone cold sober in the reality of Desi's death.

I found the video above on my phone.  Desi used to do this thing that I liked to call "Crazy Dog" or "Happy Dog".  He would get on his back and just sort of wriggle back and forth and paw at the air while he made these happy sounds.  I loved to watch him do this because I could tell he was feeling happy and playful.  I think this was the last time I actually saw him doing this and he only did it briefly. I only caught a part of it but it's enough to make me wonder how he so rapidly declined from October 5th to November 23rd.

There is still guilt over not letting him die naturally.  The only thing gives me any sort of relief is the fact that he just couldn't even stand up anymore.  It was a huge struggle and on the last day he tried so many times and just passed out from exhaustion on his pillow.  He couldn't stand long enough to eat his food or drink his water.  If I didn't put egg into his food he wouldn't have eaten it at all.  How long could I keep allowing him to go on in that condition?  I had to hold the bowl right in front of him so that he could eat and drink.  When I took him outside he was also not able to stand or walk for very long periods of time.  On that last day he was out of his mind.  He didn't know what he wanted.  He kept trying to walk to somewhere.  But where?  Did he know it was his time and was instinctively trying to find a place to go to lie down and die.  I don't know.  I do know that there was nothing I could do to placate his agitated, frustrated and completely uncomfortable state that day.  He seemed to be in his dementia and his mind seemed to be confused as to where he was and what he was doing.

It makes me sick to think about how it all came down to that state of mental dementia and his body failing on him in spite of his will.

I was thinking to myself - what would I do for myself?  A part of me thinks I would allow myself to suffer through the pain right until my moment of death because that is the natural course of things.  Jesus suffered on his last day of life.  I guess that thought still pervades in terms of what the right thing is to do for a human.  I don't really know it's all still pretty confusing to me as I try to understand and separate what I personally, truly believe and what I have been taught or have had drilled into me by my dogmatic, unwavering, irrational, black and white thinking,  Jehovah's Witness mother.

One thing is absolutely sure - I LOVED THAT DOG MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD!!!  If there was ANY WAY that I could have kept him longer without having to see him struggle like that and be so uncomfortable I CERTAINLY WOULD HAVE.  Yes I did hasten death through the act of of Euthanasia.  Euthanasia in short means "painless death" or "good death".  It is also referred to as "mercy killing" which doesn't seem nearly as nice as "painless" or "good" death.  But the word "mercy" itself is defined as "an act of kindness, compassion, or favor".

One of the reasons listed in wikipedia for animal euthanasia is:

• Old age – Deterioration to loss of major bodily functions. Severe impairment of the quality of life.

So if I wear to think about it rationally I would say that because of Desi's age he was suffering from a deterioration to loss of major bodily functions such as standing, walking, urinating, eating and drinking without assistance.  All of these physical factors combined with his mental dementia and  deterioration was causing him severe agitation, confusion and anguish.  He wasn't having a good, easy or happy life and he was unable to be placated in any way.  The combination of physical and mental deterioration was causing a severe impairment to the quality of his life.  And the only merciful solution was to brink on a painless or good death through euthanasia.

Rationally I can understand that I made the absolute correct decision at the absolute correct time and held on until the struggle become unbearable for him and for me.

Morally is where I still have trouble with my decision.  

I think I would come to the same conclusion for any animal or person that was struggling and suffering like Desi was.  But could I do that for myself.  Or ask to have that done to me if the pain and struggle was unbearable.  I'm not sure that I could because of that deeply religious moral belief that I do not have the right to decide who lives and dies and when that happens and that only God or my Higher Power or the Universe has that right.

But when I am truly connected to my Higher Power, the Universe and God, I can hear and feel and know for certain in my heart that the right thing to do was let him say goodbye to me as painful as it was and still is for me to say goodbye to him.

And that is still where I am at today.  And my brain keeps going back and forth with this constant battle and struggle over the guilt that I am not the one that should get to choose and I did versus my rational belief that I listened to the Universe and God's will and my Higher Power and I did what I my obligation and responsibility was to do as the caretaker for my beloved little animal.

No matter how much or how long I struggle and battle within myself the inevitable was going to happen for Desi and it is going to happen for me and for every being that is on this earth.  It is a matter of when.  I did chose the how because he was in such severe implacable distress.

The fact that I played a role in a student film where my own mental pain and anguish was tormenting me until I got a visit from an Angel who was my dog and let me know that I helped her in the time she needed me the most.  And she thanked me for that.

It is I suppose another way to rationalize away the guilt, pain and sorrow we feel over the loss and the decision we make for our animals to hasten the process.

I don't think I'll ever come to a full understanding or resolution to my feelings. Hopefully, they will be easier to bear as time goes on and I will feel more at peace with myself in the fact that Desi really did live out a full and happy life.  Even in the last few years with the loss of his eye and his virtual blindness he was able to enjoy many things.  But he wasn't enjoying anything at all in the last few weeks and that last day all he felt was agitation.  I took care of him with love by eliminating his distress and yes the euphemism applies nicely - putting him to sleep.

Desi dog of Hamilton Heights

Desi dog of Hamilton Heights

I am so relieved that I was able to download this shot of Desi dog.  It's been my profile pic for Hamilton House on Foursquare since I took it.  I don't know what happened to the original.

There are so many things I want to say about Desi and our time together over the past 14 years.  I don't know where to start.

I was inspired to start keeping this blog after reading Jon Katz's 10,000th blog post on Bedlamfarm.com today:

Day Of Rest: Boundaries Of Grief. When The Soul Is Seared

Desi died the day before Thanksgiving, Wednesday, November 23, 2011.  It was the worst day of my adult life.  Everything since then has been life after Desi.

Grieving is not something I'm comfortable with because of the depth of my own personal sensitivity.  I am far more sensitive than anyone I've ever met with the exception of my sisters.

I have never felt the kind of grief I am feeling right now over Desi's death.  The loss is completely overwhelming.  It comes in waves and it often feels as if all the wind has been sucked out of me and I've been knocked off my feet. 

All the expressions I've ever heard about grief are absolutely applicable. The feeling of "puking my guts out" is probably the one I identify with most.

In the weeks leading up to his death I was experiencing the strangest feeling of physical nausea and dizziness.  This visceral feeling continues to this day.  I have never experienced this type of complete and total disorientation before in my life and frightens me beyond words.  It's a feeling of vertigo combined with a sense that I am going to puke my guts out.  Sometimes my vision becomes so blurred that I start to think it's just a part of the aging process.  But I honestly think it's much more profound than that.  I think it's a reaction to extreme stress and anxiety.  I have been in this state of distress for many, many months now.  SO has Desi.  It was as if his emotional and mental distress combined with the loss of his physical abilities felt as if they were my own emotional, mental and physical distress.

In part, this loss taps into all the feelings of abandonment I have from childhood.  But truthfully, my relationship with Desi has been the longest and most intensely close relationship I have experienced in my life.

There are feelings of shame and embarrassment in that admission because Desi was just a dog.  Just a little Boston Terrier.  Not a person.  But that's why I was able to let myself get so close.  My relationships with many people have been such a huge disappointment to me in general.  For the most part I have closed myself off from human relationships and shut myself off by retreating within.

It's not that I believe I will never have a human relationship that is close.  It's just that there are so many limitations that we as human beings have in relationships.  It's the deception.  It's the agenda.  It's the betrayal.  Perhaps I have just been unfortunate in my relationships with human beings.  Perhaps I am the one that is limited.  Or, perhaps I just have to accept that the human/human bond is not and can never be the same or as strong as the human/animal bond.

Again, I feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed to admit that to myself - let alone write it in a blog online.  But the truth is that Desi has always been here for me.  He knew everything about me.  I could be my complete and true self with him which is something I am never able to be with most people.  There are a few people I can be myself with but again, I feel like there is a price to pay for being exactly who you are around people.  They hold it against you.  They will throw things back in your face when they are angry.  Or they will become trite and jokingly say something publicly which you have shared with them in confidence because THEY don't think it's such a big deal.

Desi NEVER betrayed my confidences, he was always there, he was always my friend on my worst days and on my best days.  He taught me how to be responsible, how to grow up, how to be brave, how to be regimented and stay on schedule, how to enjoy taking a walk, how to be social with other people and animals, how to see beyond my own small-world and self-obsessed thinking, how to give without conditions, how to receive without the expectation that I have to give something back, I could go on and and and on about the lessons Desi taught me.  But for now I will stop here.

I can only handle so much of the grief and then have to shut it off, lock it down, hide it from myself so that it won't kill me.  Because the truth is - if I really allowed myself to fully go there I wouldn't want to be here anymore.  I would want to be wherever Desi is just not on this planet without him.

A Quick Note About My Boston Terrier Desi Dog

I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for all your prayers, sweet comments and warm wishes. It meant EVERYTHING to me - it honestly DID!!!

Desi is doing incredibly well today!!! Much better than I would be doing if I had an eyeball removed. He is eating well, drinking well, doing his "business" well AND he actually has jumped off the couch and been walking around the apartment with his missing eye, blind other eye and Click Collar (lampshade thingy). He even walked up his doggie steps to the couch and curled up next to me to chill! WOW! When he starts humping Mona again I will know for sure he's back to his old self:)

I really struggled with the decision to allow the Vet to remove his eye and keep him alive like that. I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing for him or if I was doing something selfish for myself. When I left him in the hospital I felt like I abandoned the poor little guy. He has ALWAYS been there for me at my ABSOLUTE worst. And now I had to leave him when he needed me most and was confused, terrified and shaking with an eye that looked like it was straight out of a horror movie. They would not allow me to stay with him. When I said goodbye, I did not believe I would ever see Desi again because I had made up my mind right then and there that if they had to remove his eye I would tell them "absolutely not" and ask that he be put to sleep.

The pain I was feeling in my heart was so overwhelmingly excruciatingly, I honestly did not know how I could bear it. I could not speak to anyone because it was too painful and I was also extremely angry that the entire week prior I could not get an eye specialist to look at him and prevent the eye loss because there was nobody on call.

I also thought it would be extremely cruel to have a dog live with only one eye and another eye that is completely blind. When they asked me what my wishes were if his heart or breathing stopped during surgery, I specifically gave them a DNR.

It's now only two days since he had the surgery and he is doing EVERYTHING he did before EXCEPT he actually seems a lot more comfortable and looks less hideous!!! It's hard to believe that having the eye removed actually was a good thing but now I know why God or the Creator or whoever made us gave us two eyes. If one goes bad we have the other. Even though he can't really see out of that other eye it does help him somewhat to get around. It's truly amazing.

The spirit and will to live is even more amazing. I have seen my father fight to stay alive all these past (nearly 14) years with his spinal cord injury and every time he wins another battle I am more and more grateful that he is still here with me on this planet!!!

This little dog has taught me so much more than I could ever attempt to relay in words. I am grateful that he is still with me and continues to prove not only that "dogs are man's best friends" but that they are so much more content with the basics then humans are.

Several years ago, at a really bad point in my life, a Boston Terrier named "Bobby" was the only one who could make me laugh in spite of all my personal troubles. His crazy, comical antics of getting out of the yard and making people chase after him for blocks, spaghetti eating, snorting and farting really kept me entertained. One day someone had an overdose in the bathroom in the middle of the night and Bobby the Boston Terrier saved his life by scratching at the door until he woke us up so we could call 911 in time.

When I first saw Desi in a pet store at the Jefferson Valley Mall he was 3 months old and had a horrible cold and runny nose because he had been in the kennel for so long. Nobody wanted to adopt him and the salesman told me that it was because he looked like an "alien." I told the guy that if you say things like that to people the little Boston Terrier will never get adopted. I felt obligated to adopt him and take care of him in spite of my skittishness toward canines in general. I remembered Bobby and what he did for me personally and so many human beings. So I adopted Desi in early 1998 and have had him ever since.

Clearly, it wasn't Desi's time and he's still here with me now to continue to teach me the lessons my stubborn human brain needs to learn.

Thanks again for such great support to everyone! And thanks especially to my little Desi dog!!!

Desi - Meaning

The meaning of the name Desi is Desired

The origin of the name Desi is Spanish

Notes: Short form of the name DESIDERIO. Name made famous by Cuban actor/producer Desi Arnaz.

The boy's name Desi \d(e)-si\ is a variant of Desiderio (Latin, Italian), and the meaning of Desi is "yearning; sorrow; desired"

Desi Yearning; Sorrow. Abbreviation of Desiderus.

Note: This Database is Copyright Dogwood Technical Services Inc male Latin

Desi Desire unisex Spanish
Desideria The One Desired. Desired female French
Desideria Desire female Spanish
Desiderio Desire male Hispanic
Desiderio Desire male Spanish
Desiderio Desired male Norse
Desiderio Desired male Spanish
Desiderus Yearning; Sorrow male Latin
Desirae Variant of Desiree Meaning 'The One Desired' female French
Desirat The One Desired. Desired female French
Desirata Desired female Latin
Desire Desired male French
Desire The One Desired. Desired female French
Desire Variant of French Desiree female English
Desiree Desired female French
Desiree Desired. The One Desired. Famous Bearer: Napoleon Bonaparte's Mistress female French
Desiree Longed for (Desire) female French
Desyre Variant of French Desiree female English
Dezi Yearning; Sorrow. Abbreviation of Desiderus male Latin
Dezirae Variant of Desiree Meaning 'The One Desired. ' female French
Deziree Variant of Desiree Meaning 'The One Desired. '