Desi - America's Cutest Dogs - MSG Soundcheck

It's official! According to the Westminster Dog Show, Desi dog is one of America's Cutest Dogs:) That's right. Desi dog is rockin' it out from the great beyond:) HOW COOL IS THAT?!!

I entered Desi into the Westminster Dogs Photo Challenge more as a tribute to him than anything else.  I entered Miss Mona too.  Even though neither one of them made it into the contest they DID get posted online as two of "America's Cutest Dogs".  And that is good enough for me:)

Last night I stayed up late looking for this one particular shot of Desi that I took while we were hiking in Culver City.  It took me a few days to find the pic because it was on a backup drive from my old PC and the backup drive is failing.  I was BEYOND RELIEVED THAT I FOUND IT!

My old Palm Treo cell phone didn't take the kind of High Res shots that cell phones take nowadays but I have always loved this picture...

Desi the Earth Alien

When I first met Desi as a puppy in the pet store in the Jefferson Valley Mall, 14 years ago, the guy told me that he had been in the store for almost three months and nobody was buying him because he looked like an Alien.  I was like "Dude! You can't go around saying this puppy looks like an alien or nobody will buy him for sure!!!"

And over the years I have had other people make cracks about the way Desi looks.  Everything from "Whatever possessed you to get him?" to "That is the ugliest dog I've ever seen in my life".  Clearly both of these comments were from people who cannot see real beauty.  Desi was physically a beautiful Boston Terrier!

I was thinking about all those comments in the past that bothered me and the painful, heartbreaking, gut wrenching emotions in the present of having to say goodbye to Desi.  It made me think of the scene at the end of the movie E.T. when the little boy has to say goodbye to E.T. and E.T. says "I'll be right here" and touches his long, glowing finger to the boy's heart.

That scene was heart-wrenching back then.  I couldn't stop crying.  I was so choked up by the goodbye.  But thinking about it in the present was comforting because it totally applies to my relationship with Desi and sums up my feelings about the process of having to say goodbye to him.

And E.T. is probably THE cutest alien EVER!!!  Right up there with those Gremlins.  So who cares if people think Desi looks like an alien and so what if he does?!!!  He is still beautiful!!!

And in the pic, it kind of looks like Desi is an Earth Alien on Mars or some other planet channeling Earth with his always erect ears.  Or maybe he's on some futuristic, nuclear wasteland, post-apocalyptic version of Earth.  Either way, in this world, nothing exists except him and me.

I took some other interesting shots on our way up into the hike which I found as well when I was looking for the last one.  Desi absolutely loved to hike!!! He marked EVERY SINGLE THING he sniffed.  I was more at his whimsy then my own but I honestly didn't mind.  I really loved watching him have so much fun and played the "easygoing pack leader" and/or "second fiddle" to his alpha-dog personality.  Not what Cesar Milan would advocate but hey -  I'm no Cesar Milan and I am certainly no Dog Whisperer:) I am what I would call a "one dog man".

 

Desi looks a little thicker in the "Alien" shot below versus the one above where he looks long and lean.  His ears are also not quite as erect in this shot.  I love both shots but plan on having the first shot made into a painting at some point.

There are so many more things I want, need and will say about Desi.  I have been coping with the grief, overwhelming loss and sadness through intense physical exercise, thinking, blogging, finding old pics and videos and processing it all.  Right now I'm exhausted from it all so for the time being I have to shut off.

Desi was like a pair of underwear or socks that you put on every day and are just a part of you. Honestly, he was more like my skin that IS actually a part of me.  He always found the exact nook and cranny on my body to fit into.  I always felt like he was just another appendage on my body.  I'll post some pic examples of what I'm referring to in another blog.

I have allowed myself to feel the overwhelming pain, sadness, sorrow and loss and then I try to bring myself back to remember the most fun times I've had with him. And there were so many!!!

Entering Desi into the Westminster Dogs Photo Challenge was just another way for me to honor him, his life and legacy more than anything else. I still fill his water bowl every day to honor his memory. And I always leave a light on for him when I leave the house for the same reason.

Those small gestures actually remind me of how much he took care of me in my life and how grateful I am for the awesome 14 years we did get to spend together.  Somehow these animal companions are more special then humans. They are innocent, accept and love you unconditionally, just as you are, and they are always, always, ALWAYS there for you.

The legacy Desi left for me is to "die trying".  And that's what I've been doing every day since he died. 

I will miss and love Desi until the end of time, for eternity and beyond.  And he will be a part of me always and forever...

Desi dog of Hamilton Heights

Desi dog of Hamilton Heights

I am so relieved that I was able to download this shot of Desi dog.  It's been my profile pic for Hamilton House on Foursquare since I took it.  I don't know what happened to the original.

There are so many things I want to say about Desi and our time together over the past 14 years.  I don't know where to start.

I was inspired to start keeping this blog after reading Jon Katz's 10,000th blog post on Bedlamfarm.com today:

Day Of Rest: Boundaries Of Grief. When The Soul Is Seared

Desi died the day before Thanksgiving, Wednesday, November 23, 2011.  It was the worst day of my adult life.  Everything since then has been life after Desi.

Grieving is not something I'm comfortable with because of the depth of my own personal sensitivity.  I am far more sensitive than anyone I've ever met with the exception of my sisters.

I have never felt the kind of grief I am feeling right now over Desi's death.  The loss is completely overwhelming.  It comes in waves and it often feels as if all the wind has been sucked out of me and I've been knocked off my feet. 

All the expressions I've ever heard about grief are absolutely applicable. The feeling of "puking my guts out" is probably the one I identify with most.

In the weeks leading up to his death I was experiencing the strangest feeling of physical nausea and dizziness.  This visceral feeling continues to this day.  I have never experienced this type of complete and total disorientation before in my life and frightens me beyond words.  It's a feeling of vertigo combined with a sense that I am going to puke my guts out.  Sometimes my vision becomes so blurred that I start to think it's just a part of the aging process.  But I honestly think it's much more profound than that.  I think it's a reaction to extreme stress and anxiety.  I have been in this state of distress for many, many months now.  SO has Desi.  It was as if his emotional and mental distress combined with the loss of his physical abilities felt as if they were my own emotional, mental and physical distress.

In part, this loss taps into all the feelings of abandonment I have from childhood.  But truthfully, my relationship with Desi has been the longest and most intensely close relationship I have experienced in my life.

There are feelings of shame and embarrassment in that admission because Desi was just a dog.  Just a little Boston Terrier.  Not a person.  But that's why I was able to let myself get so close.  My relationships with many people have been such a huge disappointment to me in general.  For the most part I have closed myself off from human relationships and shut myself off by retreating within.

It's not that I believe I will never have a human relationship that is close.  It's just that there are so many limitations that we as human beings have in relationships.  It's the deception.  It's the agenda.  It's the betrayal.  Perhaps I have just been unfortunate in my relationships with human beings.  Perhaps I am the one that is limited.  Or, perhaps I just have to accept that the human/human bond is not and can never be the same or as strong as the human/animal bond.

Again, I feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed to admit that to myself - let alone write it in a blog online.  But the truth is that Desi has always been here for me.  He knew everything about me.  I could be my complete and true self with him which is something I am never able to be with most people.  There are a few people I can be myself with but again, I feel like there is a price to pay for being exactly who you are around people.  They hold it against you.  They will throw things back in your face when they are angry.  Or they will become trite and jokingly say something publicly which you have shared with them in confidence because THEY don't think it's such a big deal.

Desi NEVER betrayed my confidences, he was always there, he was always my friend on my worst days and on my best days.  He taught me how to be responsible, how to grow up, how to be brave, how to be regimented and stay on schedule, how to enjoy taking a walk, how to be social with other people and animals, how to see beyond my own small-world and self-obsessed thinking, how to give without conditions, how to receive without the expectation that I have to give something back, I could go on and and and on about the lessons Desi taught me.  But for now I will stop here.

I can only handle so much of the grief and then have to shut it off, lock it down, hide it from myself so that it won't kill me.  Because the truth is - if I really allowed myself to fully go there I wouldn't want to be here anymore.  I would want to be wherever Desi is just not on this planet without him.