"I am not seeking forgiveness". ~ Nucky,"Boardwalk Empire"

Desi - America's Cutest Dogs - MSG Soundcheck

It's official! According to the Westminster Dog Show, Desi dog is one of America's Cutest Dogs:) That's right. Desi dog is rockin' it out from the great beyond:) HOW COOL IS THAT?!!

I entered Desi into the Westminster Dogs Photo Challenge more as a tribute to him than anything else.  I entered Miss Mona too.  Even though neither one of them made it into the contest they DID get posted online as two of "America's Cutest Dogs".  And that is good enough for me:)

Last night I stayed up late looking for this one particular shot of Desi that I took while we were hiking in Culver City.  It took me a few days to find the pic because it was on a backup drive from my old PC and the backup drive is failing.  I was BEYOND RELIEVED THAT I FOUND IT!

My old Palm Treo cell phone didn't take the kind of High Res shots that cell phones take nowadays but I have always loved this picture...

Desi the Earth Alien

When I first met Desi as a puppy in the pet store in the Jefferson Valley Mall, 14 years ago, the guy told me that he had been in the store for almost three months and nobody was buying him because he looked like an Alien.  I was like "Dude! You can't go around saying this puppy looks like an alien or nobody will buy him for sure!!!"

And over the years I have had other people make cracks about the way Desi looks.  Everything from "Whatever possessed you to get him?" to "That is the ugliest dog I've ever seen in my life".  Clearly both of these comments were from people who cannot see real beauty.  Desi was physically a beautiful Boston Terrier!

I was thinking about all those comments in the past that bothered me and the painful, heartbreaking, gut wrenching emotions in the present of having to say goodbye to Desi.  It made me think of the scene at the end of the movie E.T. when the little boy has to say goodbye to E.T. and E.T. says "I'll be right here" and touches his long, glowing finger to the boy's heart.

That scene was heart-wrenching back then.  I couldn't stop crying.  I was so choked up by the goodbye.  But thinking about it in the present was comforting because it totally applies to my relationship with Desi and sums up my feelings about the process of having to say goodbye to him.

And E.T. is probably THE cutest alien EVER!!!  Right up there with those Gremlins.  So who cares if people think Desi looks like an alien and so what if he does?!!!  He is still beautiful!!!

And in the pic, it kind of looks like Desi is an Earth Alien on Mars or some other planet channeling Earth with his always erect ears.  Or maybe he's on some futuristic, nuclear wasteland, post-apocalyptic version of Earth.  Either way, in this world, nothing exists except him and me.

I took some other interesting shots on our way up into the hike which I found as well when I was looking for the last one.  Desi absolutely loved to hike!!! He marked EVERY SINGLE THING he sniffed.  I was more at his whimsy then my own but I honestly didn't mind.  I really loved watching him have so much fun and played the "easygoing pack leader" and/or "second fiddle" to his alpha-dog personality.  Not what Cesar Milan would advocate but hey -  I'm no Cesar Milan and I am certainly no Dog Whisperer:) I am what I would call a "one dog man".

 

Desi looks a little thicker in the "Alien" shot below versus the one above where he looks long and lean.  His ears are also not quite as erect in this shot.  I love both shots but plan on having the first shot made into a painting at some point.

There are so many more things I want, need and will say about Desi.  I have been coping with the grief, overwhelming loss and sadness through intense physical exercise, thinking, blogging, finding old pics and videos and processing it all.  Right now I'm exhausted from it all so for the time being I have to shut off.

Desi was like a pair of underwear or socks that you put on every day and are just a part of you. Honestly, he was more like my skin that IS actually a part of me.  He always found the exact nook and cranny on my body to fit into.  I always felt like he was just another appendage on my body.  I'll post some pic examples of what I'm referring to in another blog.

I have allowed myself to feel the overwhelming pain, sadness, sorrow and loss and then I try to bring myself back to remember the most fun times I've had with him. And there were so many!!!

Entering Desi into the Westminster Dogs Photo Challenge was just another way for me to honor him, his life and legacy more than anything else. I still fill his water bowl every day to honor his memory. And I always leave a light on for him when I leave the house for the same reason.

Those small gestures actually remind me of how much he took care of me in my life and how grateful I am for the awesome 14 years we did get to spend together.  Somehow these animal companions are more special then humans. They are innocent, accept and love you unconditionally, just as you are, and they are always, always, ALWAYS there for you.

The legacy Desi left for me is to "die trying".  And that's what I've been doing every day since he died. 

I will miss and love Desi until the end of time, for eternity and beyond.  And he will be a part of me always and forever...

Welcome to 2012:) Wishing Every1 an AMAZING, Healthy, Prosperous & Very Happy New Year! Have a U2 Beautiful Day http://ping.fm/ZDWtY

Merry Christmas!

1 month today...and I miss him terribly.

I feel pretty sad and slightly agitated today.  It's weird because yesterday I had a great day and felt really upbeat. I actually thought and talked a lot about Desi yesterday but it was all in a very happy sense.  I shared the story of Desi's last day with a friend in a way that didn't drain me emotionally.

I guess because I told the story in a third person sense without attaching to the facts as I often do when I tell the story.  But today is different.

Today it is exactly one month since the day Desi died.  It feels like a marker in one sense that I made it 30 days and haven't fallen apart.  But it's still almost as shocking a reality to accept as the day it happened.  In a way, it may be even more shocking because that day I was wavering from reality to the feeling of being in a scene in a movie or a play.   Today I feel stone cold sober in the reality of Desi's death.

I found the video above on my phone.  Desi used to do this thing that I liked to call "Crazy Dog" or "Happy Dog".  He would get on his back and just sort of wriggle back and forth and paw at the air while he made these happy sounds.  I loved to watch him do this because I could tell he was feeling happy and playful.  I think this was the last time I actually saw him doing this and he only did it briefly. I only caught a part of it but it's enough to make me wonder how he so rapidly declined from October 5th to November 23rd.

There is still guilt over not letting him die naturally.  The only thing gives me any sort of relief is the fact that he just couldn't even stand up anymore.  It was a huge struggle and on the last day he tried so many times and just passed out from exhaustion on his pillow.  He couldn't stand long enough to eat his food or drink his water.  If I didn't put egg into his food he wouldn't have eaten it at all.  How long could I keep allowing him to go on in that condition?  I had to hold the bowl right in front of him so that he could eat and drink.  When I took him outside he was also not able to stand or walk for very long periods of time.  On that last day he was out of his mind.  He didn't know what he wanted.  He kept trying to walk to somewhere.  But where?  Did he know it was his time and was instinctively trying to find a place to go to lie down and die.  I don't know.  I do know that there was nothing I could do to placate his agitated, frustrated and completely uncomfortable state that day.  He seemed to be in his dementia and his mind seemed to be confused as to where he was and what he was doing.

It makes me sick to think about how it all came down to that state of mental dementia and his body failing on him in spite of his will.

I was thinking to myself - what would I do for myself?  A part of me thinks I would allow myself to suffer through the pain right until my moment of death because that is the natural course of things.  Jesus suffered on his last day of life.  I guess that thought still pervades in terms of what the right thing is to do for a human.  I don't really know it's all still pretty confusing to me as I try to understand and separate what I personally, truly believe and what I have been taught or have had drilled into me by my dogmatic, unwavering, irrational, black and white thinking,  Jehovah's Witness mother.

One thing is absolutely sure - I LOVED THAT DOG MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD!!!  If there was ANY WAY that I could have kept him longer without having to see him struggle like that and be so uncomfortable I CERTAINLY WOULD HAVE.  Yes I did hasten death through the act of of Euthanasia.  Euthanasia in short means "painless death" or "good death".  It is also referred to as "mercy killing" which doesn't seem nearly as nice as "painless" or "good" death.  But the word "mercy" itself is defined as "an act of kindness, compassion, or favor".

One of the reasons listed in wikipedia for animal euthanasia is:

• Old age – Deterioration to loss of major bodily functions. Severe impairment of the quality of life.

So if I wear to think about it rationally I would say that because of Desi's age he was suffering from a deterioration to loss of major bodily functions such as standing, walking, urinating, eating and drinking without assistance.  All of these physical factors combined with his mental dementia and  deterioration was causing him severe agitation, confusion and anguish.  He wasn't having a good, easy or happy life and he was unable to be placated in any way.  The combination of physical and mental deterioration was causing a severe impairment to the quality of his life.  And the only merciful solution was to brink on a painless or good death through euthanasia.

Rationally I can understand that I made the absolute correct decision at the absolute correct time and held on until the struggle become unbearable for him and for me.

Morally is where I still have trouble with my decision.  

I think I would come to the same conclusion for any animal or person that was struggling and suffering like Desi was.  But could I do that for myself.  Or ask to have that done to me if the pain and struggle was unbearable.  I'm not sure that I could because of that deeply religious moral belief that I do not have the right to decide who lives and dies and when that happens and that only God or my Higher Power or the Universe has that right.

But when I am truly connected to my Higher Power, the Universe and God, I can hear and feel and know for certain in my heart that the right thing to do was let him say goodbye to me as painful as it was and still is for me to say goodbye to him.

And that is still where I am at today.  And my brain keeps going back and forth with this constant battle and struggle over the guilt that I am not the one that should get to choose and I did versus my rational belief that I listened to the Universe and God's will and my Higher Power and I did what I my obligation and responsibility was to do as the caretaker for my beloved little animal.

No matter how much or how long I struggle and battle within myself the inevitable was going to happen for Desi and it is going to happen for me and for every being that is on this earth.  It is a matter of when.  I did chose the how because he was in such severe implacable distress.

The fact that I played a role in a student film where my own mental pain and anguish was tormenting me until I got a visit from an Angel who was my dog and let me know that I helped her in the time she needed me the most.  And she thanked me for that.

It is I suppose another way to rationalize away the guilt, pain and sorrow we feel over the loss and the decision we make for our animals to hasten the process.

I don't think I'll ever come to a full understanding or resolution to my feelings. Hopefully, they will be easier to bear as time goes on and I will feel more at peace with myself in the fact that Desi really did live out a full and happy life.  Even in the last few years with the loss of his eye and his virtual blindness he was able to enjoy many things.  But he wasn't enjoying anything at all in the last few weeks and that last day all he felt was agitation.  I took care of him with love by eliminating his distress and yes the euphemism applies nicely - putting him to sleep.